Some of it being just suggestions for rewriting the dialogue (which I'm not great at), and also some great ideas for the plot - especially this one about connecting each one to a memory, which fits with the ending I have, the connection with the friend, and related to the main theme - the forest unearths memories she’s forgotten, connecting to her past/herself which has been neglected because she’s so overwhelmed. Being able to look back also helps her to look forward into the future, realising everything doesn’t have to be done at once.
I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to show the memories in the scenes themselves, where exactly they'll fit and if they'll make sense..... but I think I'll have a go when I do the thumbnails and see if it makes sense to other people.
I wrote down some of the main points in my workbook -
and added/edited a few things on my script document :
(under the cut)
1
I’m not sure if this should start out different > is it too boring? Should there be a better hook as the very first panel?
>Montage of her day - stressed at uni, eating lunch alone, at work (a coffeeshop?), on phone with a parent waiting for bus stop, etc
>Then a frame, at home, she flops down on her bed exhausted. Could be the starting panel.
>Her computer on her desk beeps with notifications, she turns her head over “ugh”
>Then she sits up, rubs her face, view out window is in frame, a piece of calm framed by a busy messy room, says something about how so much is going on
>Phone rings, it’s a parent, she answers it annoyed
>then we see the door slam, her say “BYE” and hang up, could just have her storming off, then stomp over the road towards the park/forest
>walks along, muttering to herself “i’m tryING to make friends, it doesn’t just happen” / it’s not like i don’t want to.. / ...and even if I wanted a boyfriend / which I don't, by the way, I'm very aromantic / I don't have time for that! I barely have time for friends! / I'm so busy, everything’s happening at once, / I can’t think about the future I’m literally trying to get through classes and working and..
>......meanwhile the forest has been changing around her, and she eventually stops and realises…….wait a sec…..
Alt version:
Starts when she gets home, flops on the bed. Notifications start happening, she gets annoyed and gets up, hears a noise outside - kids playing in the yard next door, sees past them to park/forest & feels sad from remembering being a kid, having friends etc, decides to go out to the forest since she hasn’t done that in a while, sits and watches the view and then falls asleep
i’m preferring the above version mostly, because it feels more active than this? It also makes it clear that it’s all the life pressures - not specifically the phone notifications, because that implies an anti-digital kind of stance that i’m absolutely not about lol. Especially considering my medium….
2
If we use the ‘falls asleep’ part: she wakes up in the forest, thinks “I should get back” then realises the forest around her is different………..
Do I want to add something here of her being like, oh, cool! I don’t have to worry about my stuff i can just chill in this forest
>Checks her phone (because what else would you do when you’re lost lol)
>it glitches - the time/battery/service changing
>whaaat? Is my phone-
>then she looks up, and the giant fey appear above her….
>nope, drops phone
3
>looks up at them “nope”
>faery, delighted: “hello! are you here for a visit?” < not sure about the dialogue of this section lol
“..no?”
“welcome to your new home then!”
“Oh! A visitor!”
“Um...no, what, I’m-”
“Not a visitor? Here to stay, then? / welcome to your new home!”
“...hold up one second..”
>turns and runs away, yelling
>stops, puffed
>the faery is right there as if she hasn’t gone anywhere
“ahh!”
“now, there’s no need to run away! / we’re so happy to have you here”
Don’t run away / we’re so happy you’re here!
>she’s sat on the ground, they surround her, looming above
“any who enter our realm cannot leave / unless...there is one way.. no she, couldn’t possibly...”
(they’re ‘talking to each other’ teasing her)
>she interrupts- “what? what can I do?”
“if you complete for us / three tasks / we will grant / your freedom…”
”Um”
>faery explains them, with little block colour vignettes illustrating them...
“retrieve the rare ... flower.. / tame a beast and bring back its’ feather… / uncover the ruins choked by weeds....” need to make this Better Words
“...uhh, ok,..”
faery: “fantastic! We’ll be back if you complete them!”
>then they disappear
“......what now?”
4
“well this is just great.” - not sure if i need this
A bit where she puts her hands on hips, hmm, walks around a bit half heartedly looking in the bushes or something. There’s subtle shadows watching her, some plants rustling before…….
>then someone pops out from behind a tree “hi”
>She jumps, “Ahh! what now!” thinking it’s the fey
Or just “ahh!” (what is going on) - I think especially now that I’ve added that extra bit of her walking around in there
>sees it’s a girl “oh”
....awkward pause… the girl just sort of looks at her
“uhh...hi?”
Girl: “so....you’re trapped here too, huh?”
MC: “the forest....whatever they are...said i have to find three things for them, but,”
In online thumbnail version - the pacing here is awkward. Perhaps an extra panel for the MC to say this, and then maybe “i literally have no idea how to even begin -” (I could even put the dialogue from the 4.5 bit below in here? To pace out the below monologue bit)
Also! Introductions! names!
“ah, yes, the three tasks.....the fey trap people who stumble into this place....
tempting us with a chance to get out, using us for their entertainment.... they’re near impossible if you don’t know what you’re doing. I’ll help you, if you take me with you when you get out.”
”why can’t you just do that yourself?
‘i’ve been trapped her for a while...stay in this place to long and it sucks away your strength..you end up like this” (motions to self, close ups of her hand, hair, with bits of plant growing in them., her skin greying)
“but i know this place better now. if I help you find things, tell you what to do........”
MC: “well what If I don’t want to leave? it’s not like my life is any better out there...”
grabs her desperately: “you have to. please. swear it” mc: heck ok i guess (expression, not literal dialogue)
4.5 not sure if this is necessary? - only if the stuff below needs more clarification
Friend: what did they want you to do, anyway?
MC:“uh” counts off fingers “ a flower, a beast, clean forest.....
are they always the same or do different people get different ones....?”
“there are a selection of different tasks they choose from, as far as i can tell, to suit the person.... I’ve seen all of yours, or something similar… well, what do you want to do first?”
5
A single page - either static or horiz scroll probably, will have three links to each different task, which can be done in any order
Will probably get rid of the talking on left / little panel in the middle bit in 05a prototype
Possible dialogue-
Friend: well, here we are again..
Mc: ‘again..?’ (to play into nonlinear-ness)
Or perhaps:
Well, which one should we do now? (which is similar but a little more subtle)
>Throughout the tasks the fey will be watching in the background - possibly just subtle, eyes or something. And when you hover over them they disappear?
>I also want to have the kind of…..Weird Time thing, in regards to the order of the tasks, but actually am not sure how to write that in there? I suppose it could be in the art..
6a
F “so this flower, they showed you what it looks like?”
MC “yes..it’s [describes it]” i sure need to come up with a name and description for this huh
F “ah, the [name], I thought so. I know where it grows, I think.”
Memory of the flower - or is it just the memory of the fey’s description? We just don’t know
Grabs MC’s arm and drags her along, on a mission
>bits of them walking or just some forest to imply time passing
>get to grove, friend puts hands on hips “ah yes, this is the grove where they grow.......”
>Confused, hmm ”...but where are they?”
> She spots something.. ”oh!” runs over...“...oh no!” …..
“it’s dead!”
MC, awkwardly behind..... “are there others somewhere?”
friend, sad: “ no....it won’t be anywhere else. that’s probably why they gave you this task.”
”well shit”
not sure if i want to have a little bit of conversation here about something - or just something wordless of them sitting, talking?
Memory stuff: she had these flowers in her room, but forgot to take care of them and they died
[panel of her & new plant with store label] [panel of her with it, watering can next to it] [panel of it dying a bit, no watering can]
>mc sitting, with her hand on the ground...
>close up of hand in dirt
“Wait...” picks up some seeds “are these seeds?”
>friend looks over “hmm?” then hugs her, excited! Yay! They figured it out! She hops up and runs around talking maybe
they tip water on it (from a leaf somewhere?)
pat the mound, etc, all the things you do when you’re planting something
“There!” proud of themselves, sitting by it
Then slump a bit “.....this might take a while”
“yeah no shit plants don’t just grow straight away”
“time is weird here, though...if we leave and come back later, it might be grown…”
”ok”
>they walk off in the distance, in the foreground the plant pops out of the ground a little
6b
>go tame a beast and bring back a feather/scale/egg - I’m actually unsure about this one - the other two are more specifically plant/gardening themed? Maybe this one should match that? Unless it’s a plant monster….
I wonder if maybe shifting its metaphor to something like, it's not so much one creature but a sort of monster made from a bunch of different creatures which on their own are cute and nice, but somehow they're bound together which makes them mean (aka representing a bunch of problems at once = yikes, but when you separate them it’s not so bad)
Not sure how this could then be tied to a specific memory, though. A pet? Maybe a bird with a broken wing she saved….it could even be, the real life memory is a creature who was angry but she got it out of a trap/the bit of wire tangled on it off/ etc, which made it happier
MC “Okay so how do we find this….beast? Not that I exactly want to, but….”
Friend: this one, I don’t know…… maybe if we just wait/ keep wandering around, it’ll come to us..
MC: that doesn’t sound promising.. But i guess we’re got no other choice..
They walk around a bit.
In the background, there’s little things like claw marks on the back of trees, footprints, things that they don’t notice….
The screen shakes. “What was that?????” look around
“I think...that’s the creature…”
“Oh nope”
It bursts into the screen blarghh
I’m thinking like….a giant insect kind of thing? Or something that’s an amalgamation of stuff…
They yell, the MC grabs friend’s arms ‘wtf’
They run away, and then find a tree to climb up and get away from it or maybe a small tunnel it can’t fit in?
‘How are we supposed to grab the [scale/feather/etc]??? We can’t even get near it??
Looking at it a bit……
MC: wait…….(memory of a bird/some other creature with something tangled around its’ legs)
“Look, see that vine tangled around it? Maybe if we get rid of that…”
>she jumps down from the tree and just grabs it and pulls it off?
>they work together somehow to get it off
And then when they do, it separates into a bunch of little sprite creatures (“was it…..supposed to do that..”) which are all cute and nice, and one of them comes up to them and gives them the thing they were meant to collect!
end
And it makes friends with them and gives them a scale or whatever they were supposed to get
6c
[realising things need to be measured, one thing taking over can be trimmed down and then everything becomes an ecosystem and works together, doing things one step at a time, easier than it looks if you just start, etc]
Perhaps the instructions are specific like: restore [the garden] (the.. some kind of place…..that has a specific name and the friend would know about.) to how it was, as it’s being smothered by one type of plant..
Perhaps they get there and it’s a massive space...and they’re like, heck, this will take forever
>and they’re like ok we can just do one bit at a time - and it turns out being easier once you’ve done a bit, realise they only have one specific weed to clear out, not everything - and once that one thing is gone everything else works together
Friend: come on, the [..] is a wee way away, lets go,
Mc: so wait, where are we going?
(as they walk there, panels showing the place/where they’re walking…...overgrown shapes, almost like buidlings - or creatures? A lot of rock…..while the friend says:
the [..] is among some ruins...or, i’m not sure if they’re ruins or they just...grew like that...
> the task is to restore / uncover the statue garden /
secret base / treehouse / shed (like an old gardener’s shed?) / greenhouse / glasshouse / nursery / courtyard
What’s something that has a sort of...fancy/poetic/literal name the fey could call it, but also sounds/is like the kind of place kids might play...
-they get there, it’s pretty smothered by one type of plant “oh crap that’s a lot ...are you sure this is the right place?”
“so what, we’re supposed to just..clean up all these plants?” “seems kind of boring for a quest..”
MC: hmm, ‘This place feels familiar...” (memory panel of a less-overgrown version - in a way )
>they start getting rid of some of the plants, slowly
>friend perhaps says something like “look, these orchids are being smothered, we should do it carefully…’
>”hold on, is this…..” (it’s unclear if from a memory or a new thought) she sticks her hand in the undergrowth and pulls out - a shovel, or some secateurs, or maybe even something almost like a sword? Which she can use to clear it away easier. Could also later be used to defeat the fey (if that’s what they do..)
“Oh, nice!”
“Look, if we just cut away these bits that are taking over, we can lift all of it away and leave everything else the way it should be..
Panels of them doing that, it takes time
“How do we know when we’re done?”
“Is there supposed to be something for us to collect, like the other ones?
>and then when they’re done it’s still got plants around, but in a nice way that works together as an ecosystem, not being smothered
>is there an object for the fey they get out of this?
7
little scene clearing bit, close ups of plants, etc...including a wee frame of the flowers having grown implying they’ve picked that up
>MC and friend standing somewhere: “well, we’ve got the things, now wha-”
>faeries appear “hello!”
“ahhh”
>“you completed the tasks admirably... / so long since someone’s done so well! / we’ll be sad to see you leave again.....”
>MC “wait, again? I’ve never....
”of course! don’t you remember? you used to come here regularly!”
>here, a dramatic dual thing with the faery talking to the MC (who is looking confused and scared), and next to it little vignettes of her and the friend as children in there - the memories
>“we don’t require quests from children, of course.. / they’re entertaining enough without any encouragement.. / but it’s been so long / and now that you’re older, well. /
I’m surprised your friend there didn’t remind you... you used to be awfully close......
MC looks back at friend in confusion, “what????”
…
Friend: “you left me behind....”
(either it cuts here to next page, or continues...., not sure about pacing…)
Friend: it was years ago, when we were kids...you wanted to go home, we had a fight….
I got home eventually of course, it wasn’t as fun without you. But I didn’t forget as I got older…..I had an argument with my girlfriend…..I ended up here again…..
Probably vignettes in here of her being here for ages, interacting with other people,etc, some more insight into her
One of my tasks was to help someone, but everyone else I’ve come across either didn’t need my help, or I got annoyed with them…. I think she just. Gets into arguments a lot lol
Does this need more explanation?
MC(half to herself): why didn’t I remember you…. Because she shut herself off from stuff/memories/life > final development thing is about her getting out of being overwhelmed into thinking of just the present, she
Friend: When I found you and you obviously didn’t recognise me I guess I just….assumed you mustn’t’ve wanted to remember me, that you had other friends and didn’t need me
MC: are you kidding? I’ve hardly ever had any friends - especially since I moved away for uni, i only really have online friends, and none of them are super close...
(which kinda sucks because I’m aromantic and…..friendship is super important to me? But I just...don’t have many?) dunno if that works to add, but i kinda want to? Idk if there’s a more succinct way to get that concept in there somehow
…..
Or perhaps instead of them having used to be friends it’s just - “i’m surprised your friend there didn’t tell you - you can only end up here if you’ve already been here as a child” maybe that’s less of a twist? Whether that’s a good or bad thing?
>Faeries are watching excitedly because they Love This Shit
Faery (slightly evilly): oh this is just delightful! Why don’t you just stay here, and be friends forever!
Friend: no..I can’t stay here
Mc: actually i do kind of want to go home this place is creepy af
Faery: well, if we send you home you’re not going to be able to keep your memories, lmao
Humans: no..
either the humans take the choice or they team up somehow and outsmart them either way the main deep thing needs to be to do with friendship...asking for help/getting over(?) the Life Things/
Fey: picks up the flower + [scale/feather/whatever] + the other thing if there’s another thing, magics them together to create a portal-thing
OR WAIT
The fey pick up the flower in one hand [scale whatever] in the other, and say “choose this and keep your memories, or this and go home” which do you want? That might require each of the things representing one of those things, idk
Then somehow the humans distract them and grab them both together?
Or perhaps! If the whole friend-didn’t-tell-MC-secret thing doesn’t exist - and she kinda fades into the background, while the MC is talking to the fey she climbs up a big tree and just. Drops down from above grabbing both the objects - actually i’m not sure if that’d work. But the concept, maybe?
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